feeling confused..

these few days not much.. been around many places.. teaching and going out.. spending alot alot of money..

alot of things i always think and am avoiding them.. just like when i'm outside i will think to do this to do that when i get home.. but never been done when i'm home.. is this some kind of flaw in me?? i also dunno...

very confused about alot of things.. my work, my life, my schedule, my piano, my studies, my family... so many things to think about and yet i'm not trying to solve it.. so sianz....

oh ya.. started playing Maple Story with baby.. a very lame game but something that suits me.. easy to play.. heehee... quite a cute grahpics game.. heehee

babyfen woke up at 1:55 AM

One-sided friendship~??!

quite an ok day..woke up at 7am.. so hard working right?? raining ma.. sent my didi to school... so good sis hor.. then after that wanted to rest onli.. in the end slept till 10am like that... so pig sia... woke up bathe and get ready to go out to meet my friend for lunch.. then bought a nice pencil box at mini toons... quite ex but nice.. so quite worth it.. then came home.. studied for a while and then went out to send my car tyre for patching.. yup..days passed yet nobody sent it in.. so no choice lor.. the one who make it the one who does it... then reached home practised my piano...half heartedly and went out for classes... onli have one today.. so decided to drive there and back...

during the lesson was not very good.. student didn't practised and the parents didn't hear much of her playing.. was not very happy with my teaching... so bo bian.. next week.. have to stresss more le lor..

this thing keeps on bothering me all the while... am i realli that thick skin that i am having alot of one-sided frienship?? is it realli that bad?? i always talk to baby about them.. but he will always comment that.. "why you keep on giving one-sided friendship???" it set me wonder and today something happened and i realli think its kind of true.. so maybe i should just shut off myself from all these people and take care of those whom i care and they care back... if not maybe it will just drain my enegry away... so maybe i shall not care about anyone.. just baby alone.. would it be better???

just now driving was a bit scary.. think its at night ba.. i didn't realli drive very fast but i have this kind of fearful feeling.. like cannot see cars, cannot see road, cannot see ppl, cannot see traffic lights and cannot see anything~!~!.. next time think shall avoid driving at night le... if not i will have heart attack and die of it...

gotten my PLAY membership card and this sat would or might be a DVD day... quite alot of titles to choose from.. shall decide how later with baby..

just watched An Eye for a Guy.. wonder whether its just a game show or realli something that would lead to real life matters... DEnise Keller is so pretty, smart and carries herself just so well and nice... like her alot... out of the guys.. i think i like Jeff most.. he's not very good looking.. but he seems to be the most sincere guy inside.. hope he will be choosen in the end.. but frankly speaking. i think wolfgang would actually be more compatible with DEnise... Wolfgang wat a name.. Mozart have also the same name.. yup the famous composer.. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

so many pretty ppl around me makes me feel very envy of them.. always having the good things... good ppl... good life.. and many more.. think i shall ban myself from reading friendster.. the more i look at them.. the more envy i become... sianz.....

babyfen woke up at 11:21 PM

not feeling well...

today left for class at about 9.30am.. wanted to take cab.. cos abit late le.. in the end.. save money and was late for about 5 mins... so not so bad la... then went to meet my friend for lunch and study... ate lunch and travelled to serangoon gardens coffee bean.. on the way there.. i started to have headache... quite of uneasy.. but then reached le not so bad... studied for a while.. managed to read in some information into my head.. then went to teach.. starting to feel even more unwell.. then there my class... 3 students didn't turn up.. so sianz... so waited for them.. and practise my piano.. then towards my last few classes.. i started to be very giddy.. went to have dinner.. then on the way back on bus.. so much feel like vomitting.. so sianz... but managed to drag my feet home... so now.. still feeling very xin ku.. and my kind little bro helped me massaged my back cos my back is aching... asked him how to "crack" to make it better.. but he say its very difficult to crack back one.. so no choice lor.. thanks bro.. nice help... :)..

today class still not so bad.. managed to talk to some parents about their daugther's progress... so managed to get something across to them... hope they will improve next week ba.. at least not so bad... if not.. they will be very stagnant.. as in progress wise la..

now still deciding tml whether to go library or not.. with the state i'm in now.. wonder tml will be how.. think later eat medicine better.. if not tml sick even worst... supposedly tml have 3 classes.. in the end only 1... so have quite alot of free time.. see how ba... tml can wake up early or not...

planning to destress more often.. so wont be so tight up in teaching and teaching and studying studying.. next outing with my friends might be a KTV session.. seems quite fun.. but still searching for places to go cheaper one la...

oh ya.. the pictures is up le.. show u some nice ones.. others download if you want to..

that's my two close friends from work...
others pics

babyfen woke up at 11:31 PM

luck is down again..

had a terrible day to start off on friday... went to PS to buy my books and get my fren's present.. then on the way back.. the sound of my car sounded so strange.. loud disturbing sounds that i got frightened and called my bro to ask me about it.. then he told me to get off the car.. there it was... a punctured tyre~!~! ah~!~! then i was so lost. and i just entered the expressway lor.. so shitty sia... so my bro being my hero all the time.. came over to help me change the tyre.. also like to thank my best friend.. chirstine.. she talked to me all the way so i wont be so lonely.. thanks alot~!~ after that my bro accompanied me back to my work place in his bike behind me.. then after that i feel so insecure to drive... my bad luck doesn't end here..

in the night.. cos baby book out early i asked him to came over to fetch me home... drive my car i mean... so we went to eat at serangoon gardens... parked there... wanted to put coupon but then... thinking it will take a while.. so decided to go without it.. so in the end our dinner cost us $52..yup... got the top prize... so ppl.. if u want to park ur car at serangoon gardens.. pls just put coupon even its like 5 mins??? realli.. cos my bro kena before and he left it in double yellow line.. so its even more ex... serangoon gardens is a danger zone for parking...

that's my stupid friday... then went to teach on sat... quite ok la... finish le... forgot where i went... think i went home.. bought quite alot of things... then sunday teach again... then went baby's home... then monday.. here i am trying to recall things that have happened and trying to fix some parts of my life... later teach again....

sometimes it takes something or someone to motivate me.. but these motivations only last for a while and it will just be gone for a long time before it come back... sianz.. now already 12pm.. left only7 hours with baby and the next time to see him is this friday... sianz la....

these few days spent quite alot of money... buying books... buying alot of useless thingys.. like notebook la.. file la... accessories la.. cards la... sianz.. wonder who or when it will fill my spending desire.... sianz....

oh ya.. just listening to 933 now.. they have this game on trying to listen to 9 songs in correct order and title... its has reached the peak of $4200.. and they are not going to accumulate le... so long le.. still no ppl get it correct.. think maybe can go try... its alot of money lor... few months of my pay leh.... wonder who is the lucky person... wish him/her luck...

babyfen woke up at 11:50 AM

fun night.. sleepy day~!~!

had quite a fun night yesterday apart from some unhappiness at work and somethings...

started off my day quite good.. went jogging then went bishan to eat... my friend bought a nice top for the outing cos she kind of forgot to dress up..(will try to post the pictures up soon ba..) then went to work... drove there cos at night going to chill out ma... first thing happen not very well... reaching my work place.. received a call from my admin staff.. she was complaining about the mistakes that the other admin staff has done.. so shitty sia... feel like scolding her cos its also her fault too.. but she still happily blame everything done on to her... i dun realli like her after this incident cos i found out that she tends to exaggerate things to a bigger and serious picture... and kind of too big an issue for a small thing... luckily it was my friend who helped me picked up the phone cos i was driving and no ear piece... heehee.. sorry ah my friend listen to her nagging... then reached the work place... i ask the admin staff that whether did she inform the other admin staff about things that she have done... and she just keep quiet... ppl do wrong u complain.. then u do wrong ppl never say anything.. u also keep quiet.. wat kind of ppl are u sia...

after that received some news from baby... he's so sad that i'm feeling very sad for him also... stupid army... PUI~!~!~! idiot staff~!~! say until very good like tat... u increase the pay lor..

then at night after work went to mount faber.. ALTIVO.. a very nice place.. we chose to sit at the sofa since we are there already but must spent above $70 ... we have 3 ppl so we tried out best to order the least amount of items to hit $70 surprisingly.. it hit $82 in the end.. but quite nice.. week day no ppl... yup.. all of them are sitting at the open air one.. we chose the indoor one.. and its like the whole place is ours lor... very fun.. gossiping... complaining.. and alot of chit chatting and photo taking.. heehee....

then went home at about 1am.. was trying to find the way home for my friend and this little cute girl.. brought us a big route around and reached her house about 45mins later.. its so long lor... but ok la.. quite fun trying to locate the roads also... reached home.. bathed and sleepp.. so tired..

then today woke up.. went to work... after that meet with my friend and now at baby's house typing my blog.. well he's not at home.. but i came over to practise my piano cos later got lesson near his house ma.. and if i go home i sure sleep one lor.. so come over here better.. heehee... got presence of stress and pressure heree.. haahahaha...heehehe

supposed to do alot of paperwork today.. but my brain cells just wont squeeze out wat is needed... so dead now.. think i'll rest a while and then practise my piano.. well i have until 6 plus... about 2 hours plus... hmmm.. seems like i'm at this computer for a very long time le... heehe

babyfen woke up at 3:55 PM

grumble a sin??~!!

every monday i will have problems handling students.. and i will start to grumble to baby about them.. and the sentence that comes out is always the same "then dun teach that student la".. is it just so simple to give a sentence like that?? how i wish also.. but i can't just push all my responsibilities away... or maybe in a way.. i can't just admit defeat.. which i'm that sort of person who doesn't do that... i also dunno wat to say to ppl who always comment like tat.. choosing not to teach.. is a way of giving up.. choosing to teach on.. is a way to torture.. which one is the preferred one??? sianz....~!~!~

tml meeting my friends for going again.. and my ladies night.. when as usual... bfs are saying things about having this ladies night.. all of the ladies are attached.. well.. its always more fun to gossip with girls rather than guys... think maybe i'm the one who realli need to destress... so im the bad guy who arranged this... heehee shall see how tml turns out to be...

argh`!~! another stress day tml.. now adays realli kids are spoilt to the limit man...students having exams.. dun want to have lessons...(parents agree.. should i say parents dun want them to have lesson also).. raining.. student dun feel like going for classes (parents agree).. student got extra lessons last min want to cancel lessons (parents agree and die die also must have make up class).. students this students that.. parents agree... argh~!~! y last time my parents so strict one?? sianzzz....

babyfen woke up at 11:49 PM

~~new start~~~

hope its a new start for me... got two new students call up on the same day for lessons.. recommended by ppl.. one of them is grade 8 lor.. think the grumble is been heard by someone from above.. heheehee...

i've cut my hair.. long wanted to cut but dun have the time onli.. so yesterday after my lessons went to cut with baby.. he cut cheap i cut ex.. bo bian they say my hair very long.. so charge ex lor.. now my hair short.. reall short.. never this short for a very long time le.. but its kinda of nice.. but must try to maintain la... heehee... hope it will be nice for a long time ba.. heehee..

later still have class.. wonder what to prepare cos missed this lessons for two weeks le.. so very difficult to gauge what i have to continue.. later see how ba.. these students also quite blur and lazy one...

tml monday again.. realli monday blues sia... but next week is public holiday.. no neeed to teach... heehee.. that's great man... i need to rest... then june holidays is busy cos alot of extra lessons... hope everything can get by smoothly...



new hairstyle~!

babyfen woke up at 11:23 AM

Long long way to go~!~!

i still have a long long way to go before i reach the standards of my examination.. hope everything will be fine and strengthen my determination... so weak now...

tml can meet baby le... but can onli meet after his dinner.. so sad.. i can go one leh.. initally la.. but now cannot le.. so fetching him back after that lor.. sat then can go out.. nowadays.. not much places to go.. places always need money and to save money.. stay home is always the best solution.. and adding on to that i have my piano to practise at his home... so i would not realli mind not going out anymore cos i can practise more.. heehe.e.. oh ya... have to prepare for my student lessons also.... almost forget about that...

things i need to do:
1. Saturday aural notes for victoria
2. Sunday theory notes for jon and joyce
3. Progress card for alot of students
4. Wed G2 theory for jacqueline
5. Mon Sticker book 2 for aloysius
6. Mon sight reading for jefferson
7. Mon photocopy G1 for nimish


the below conversation is very common to me lately that i really kind of dread answering them again and again..
friend: "hi... working?"
me: "ya"
friend: "where?"
me: "oh as piano teacher"
friend: "oh not planning to work as others?"
me: "oh no."
friend: "good to earn ah?"
me: "ok lor"
friend: "not planning to study?"
me: "oh ya studying my piano lor"
friend: "oh. study piano ah?"
me: "Ya"

it seems like ppl have the impression that my work now is not an official job.. must i work 9 to 5 everyday at an office with smart office wear... then it will be considered a job?? and furthering studies on music is there a problem?? its not that easy to study leh... imagine i have to read the history of music from 1600 till now.. 400 of history.. if anyone can know them by finger tips let me know.. i would like to know how you do it lor... there are realli alot of things we have to learn when studying music.. like the simplest of all.. everything about the piano.. like who made it.. before the piano now there are alot more of different keyboard instruments then we also have to know them... its not so easy leh... so next time you hear ppl are studying piano... dun comment things like.. "oh studying music ah... (with that kind of wat's the big deal feeling) "

but there's this another typical conversation that i would also dread to answer... this will have the problem lies within me...
friend: "so wat's ur highest grade you are teaching now?"
me: "grade 5" (8 being the highest)
friend: "oh then u never teach grade 8?"
me: "nope"

well its not that i dun want.. cos ppl think i'm too young to handle.. well sometimes la hor.. no guinea pig who knows whether i can handle right?? but realli la... think i also dun realli trust myself so hope to build up my confidence soon la hor...

i was just been condemn by my teacher that i am way behind the schedule that was planned.. so i have to give up the idea of memorizing... so shitty sia.. i dun want that to happen... so i will try to prove everyone wrong... argh~!~!

babyfen woke up at 11:21 PM

aimless~!~!

i'm aimless now.. realli feeling very messed up.. wondered when i will realli be ok... so many many things to worry about..

planning to go on a ladies night.. first time in my life o...well.. everything will have a first time one ma... hope to gain something nice from this ladies night... and also wonder whether it will be carried out that is.. just wait and see ba...

my world just revolve around piano and piano and more piano... just hope one day i will be more successful in my career... open a music school is one of my ambition.. hehee.. but wonder when will that happen la... to perform in public also another one of my ambition... just have to work hard ba...

today been a good girl.. practised my piano when i woke up.. then went gym with my friends.. then swimming then sauna.. (surprising all done at my house la...) after that went to work.. and i didn't realli flare up during my lessons.. realli think the exercise helps alot in my work.. so shall continue to exercise as long as i'm not lazy.. heehee... and my studies.. can somebody tell me all about the things i need to know so i dun need to read... so hate reading... yucks~!~! no wonder my english most of the time fail one... heehee... then went chomp chomp to eat... after that went back home.. not so bad.... drove to work today.. so at least the journey back wasn't so dreadful... but the parking fees quite alot la.. no choice la for the change of convinence...

tml quite along and travelling day.. so many lessons here and there.. no choice lor.. students this week having exams.. so change here change there... students always like that one... dun change for them.. then the parents will think how come not flexible one.. so bo bian lor.. tml morning got car onli.. so night one have to travel by myself.. so sianz... and sad thing is that baby is having nights out tml..~!~! army shitty army... always messed up my plans... so shitty... but wat to do... army big one.. no choice lor... bo bian lor...

wonder should i stay up tonight to do my things.. or just sleep and wait.. but i think i've shifted alot of times the things i want to do.. but eyes closing le.. so sianz...~!~!

babyfen woke up at 11:15 PM

where does trust comes from???

is it realli difficult to trust someone completely?? knowing you will be able to be save with that person or able to keep secrets with that person??? i find that its never possible to do that.. no matter how close you are with that person.. there's this sense of doubt or feeling inside you that keeps you apart... no matter whether you are a couple, best friends, parents, siblings, married partners or which ever close relationship you can think of.. think the most is to trust about 90% onli ba....

been reading this book "inner game of music" by Barry Green.. its quite a nice book exploring the possibilities to performing the best out of you... it realli opens up everything associated with playing.. not onli knowing ur notes, ur rhythm, ur style.. but also some of your inner most feelings... there are also other series on this book like "inner game of tennis" and one "inner game of skiing" and few others which i dun realli remember well.. trying to finish it ba..

these two days i didn't take naps.. which is good.. cos i would be tired and sleep better at night... saturday spent my day at baby's house.. waited for my piano to come.. then after that didn't realli go out.. so baby played his game and i practised my piano.. first time at his house that i dun feel wasting my time away.. heheee... well have a little bit of after-purchase- dissatisfied feeling.. heehee.. i forgot about the recording function that i was looking for.. think too overwhelmed by the touch of the piano le... but nice la.. free and just play when i'm at baby's house... hope it helps... tml willl be dropping by to practise cos i have break between my classes.. and to go home very ma fan.. first time going there without baby at home.. hope it wont be that bad.. feeling strange strange...

just now went for dinner for mother's day with my family.. added family this time would be my kor's gf and my er ge's gf.. baby didn't go.. he dont feel very comfortable.. luckily he didn't go.. the food wasnt that nice and service sucks also.. no more next time man.. mom have 3 presents this year... as compared to previous years.. hope she will be happy and like her presents... heehee.. i got her a bag, my bro got her a wallet and another got her two polo shirts... nice shirt leh.. heehee.. showed my mom a hairclip i bought recently.. that she commented..."girl good hor.. can buy alot of nice things to make oneself pretty.." heehee that's true la.. cos guys always limited and when guys take effort in their appearance ppl will think they are sissy.. so biased sia.. but its like that one la hor.. no choice lor...

quite a few students having exams this week.. so parents called up to cancel class or reschedule class... sometimes realli wonder once a week lesson would hurt tat much??? then i was talking to my parents about nowadays parents so kiasu... 3, 4 years old already want to learn this learn that.. then i found out that my parents are too.. a bit paiseh saying like that.. cos my dad actually enrolled me for lessons in yamaha when i was 4 years old also.. so he's also kiasu one.. but must realli thanked him la.. so i'm exposed to music early.. but hor come to think of it.. i can't remember i went for lessons that young leh.. and i think my teacher at that time must have hated me lor.. cos i heard from my mom that i would always cry before going for lessons.. heehee... and also dun want to practise my piano everytime.. heehee... no wonder its happening to my students now.. heehee...

this weekend teach le.. next weekend holiday.. so good sia... but must change some of the classes.. but think this time be more smart... dun teach on the public holiday so i can rest..

babyfen woke up at 11:50 PM

tired tired tired~!~!

today very tired.. now practically trying to keep myself awake... today went out with my friend... must realli thank her alot... today her first day off and i dragged her out.. not so bad la.. she managed to buy some things that she wanted.. so quite ok ba...

went for class in the morning.. after that met my insurance agent.. then met my friend.. we went to PS first to look at my piano that i wanted and found a bargain for a book that i was searching for quite a long time... bought the books but not the piano... then walked over to peace centre to get more books.. and take a look at my piano again.. heehee... decided on one final one... ordered it and this sat its going to be delivered.. so exciting... heeheee.... ok la.. a fair deal i would say.. not cheap not ex... so not too bad..

after that.. went over to another music store again to find books.. but i didn't buy le la.. my friend.. on the way saw a very nice dress.. bought it.. for a purpose one but now no more.. so sad.. then bought a hairclip.. for a purpose one.. also now no more.. even more sad.. then after that went over to Toa Payoh to have dinner.. quite a filling dinner.. went to teach.. and my nice friend waited for me to knock off from work.. so sweet right.. well.. she went to do some shopping on her own while waiting.. but also very sweet of her... nice to go out with her.. cos we have endless topics to talk about... classes.. teaching.. students... shopping.. music... guys... girls.. heheee... its fun and nice... maybe next time go out.. find one day no lesson one.. better... if not like shop till half way trying to go for classes.. just hate that kind of feeling...

reached home tired.. watched amazing race... Rob and Amber got first again.. wondered what happend to the lead that the other couples have last week.. didn't realli catched the front la... then watched a show on AIDS.. documentary show on channel U.. it talked about singaporean going to batam to have sex.. and about condom.. the statistics i heard is that an average of 4 to 5 ppl have HIV positive every day.. its so scary.. ya i know.. its onli HIV positive.. but if not treated it will turn into AIDS lor... i think this issue quite difficult to solve sia..

managed to get my mother's day present today.. solved quite alot of things.. but spent alot also la.. heehee... just can't control la... need to wrap it up... this sunday going for dinner.. yummy~!~! nice...

i have a very bad temper.. baby just commented just now that "i have to learn to live with my partner's flaws" and he meant my bad tempered and unreasonableness... heehee.. think it would just take a very long time to get my tempered change... you know this sentence about "Leopard will never change its spots"?? that's me.. yup.. that's me... ~!~! hereee.. meee~!~! heehee

babyfen woke up at 12:21 AM

down and out~!~!

i'm down and stressed out... feeling very moody now.. no idea why i feel this way.. and i dun think anyone would be understand.. or me trying to tell anyone about it...

maybe its becos i think too much about alot of things ba.. so many many things to think about.. and to worry about... and to do something about... argh~!~!~! when i can ever recover to a good state... i wonder how i wonder why... i wonder when..

feeling very envy about some ppl around me.. pretty... good looking.. good life... good environment to work.. little stress... enjoying... wat ever the description is... i jus wont be able to feel like that... so sianz....

can someone guide me along with everything i do??? pls~~!~!!!

mother's is coming.. this sunday.. so ppl get ready ur presents le ma?? i'm still finding.. maybe tml go find... planning to get my piano tml.. hope i can find something i like.. have something on mind le.. just hoping to get a good deal onli.. and would be going out with my friend tml to buy alot of things.... money money... bye bye money... never mind i can earn back one.... just hope its sooon ba....

heavy hearted feeling now.. missing someone too badly i think... sad sad sad....

babyfen woke up at 11:45 PM

public holiday

yesterday was labour day.. today also public holiday.. nice sia.. but i didn't realli rest la.. still have to teach lor.. no choice cos this month got two weeks same public holiday didn't want my students to miss too many classes.. but hor i onli choose those who are preparing for exams la.. so those no exams one.. also no lesson...heehee

just finished helping baby cut white hair.. so poor thing.. so young so many white hair.. after i cut.. still got alot but can't help le.. cos very difficult to see... heheee...

may le.. so fast... four more months i'm having my exams.. just hope i will work hard and can pass the exams.. if not i realli sure du bi qi alot of ppl one...

still the same old me.. complaining about alot of things to do.. but no time...(excuse).. think is i lazy la.. just plain lazy...

went to ChillOut on sat night.. its located at mount faber.. quite a nice environment to watch soccer.. went with baby friends to chit chat.. and one of them was just puffing his life away.. realli hope he will cut down.. no need totally quit la.. at least cut down ma... if not sure jialat one lor.. dun happen already then say this.. somemore me and baby was like breathing in the second hand smoke lor.. think we also got big problem next time.. then hor... i went home late at night.. have to wash my hair lor... cos its very very the smelly... dun think i'm naggy for those smokers.. just try to be considerate about the ppl around you.. no matter how heavy smoker you are.. you have to know that not all ppl around you are like that lor... asking you all to cut down for awhile should be ok one right?? (*well.. i'm not smoking so i'm not sure about the urge*) there's a heart.. there's a way.. right?? heehee...

babyfen woke up at 6:35 PM

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